This won't be like other blog posts...
No silly pictures or videos.
I'm not going to post this one on Facebook so I doubt too many of you will even see this...
I just need to vent to the internet void about my day.
...
My baby is dying.
He was the very first baby I ever held in the hospital.
I held him everyday for about a month.
He was a chubby little 4 month old baby boy.
Let's call him... Adam.
Adam never cried.
He would just stare at me and stick his tongue out and make cooing sounds.
The nurses knew I would come everyday to see him and so I think
that is the only reason why they let me hold him so much.
He had a liver problem and an enlarged scrotum that they drained.
After a month or so Adam disappeared.
Whenever an orphan child disappears from the hospital I always try to think
of the best possible scenario for him/her.
I imagine that they are in foster care with a wonderful family and are about to be adopted!
But for Adam that wasn't the case...
I found him in the ICU last week.
He wasn't chubby anymore...in fact he doesn't have any fat on him at all.
He is SKIN and BONE.
You can see all of his ribs and the skin just hangs off of his small frame.
He can't sit up, turn, or really move at all he is so very weak.
His scrotum is enlarged again and his stomach bulges out of his tiny, frail body.
His cheeks are sunken in and his breathing is labored.
The nurse today told me to get in his crib to hold him since there weren't any chairs.
I held him and kissed him and looked around that sad, sad little room.
There was a mother holding her screaming child. --They've been there for a month and her daughter will die but they don't know how long she has left.
There was another mother sitting and rocking herself and weeping. --Her child was missing from the bed which is never a good sign.
I asked one mother in the room (who speaks English) what the update was on Adam.
She translated what the nurse said...
Adam should die any day now.
He won't last through this week.
Every day he lives is surprising to everyone.
WHAT?!
I knew Adam was sick but I figured he had a year or at least a few months left!
No.
He has days, hours...maybe not even that long.
All of a sudden a doctor came in and started screaming at me in Romanian.
Since I have no clue what he was saying I didn't get too offended. Ha.
I just got out of the crib and laid Adam down very gently.
As soon as he left the mother started laughing.
She said the doctor is furious because they've lost a child and so I assume he was taking it out on me. I also think that he might have been concerned that I might hurt Adam because he is so delicate right now. I still have no idea why he was so upset...
A nurse was ordered to escort me off the unit and she apologized for the doctor.
The doctor told me I wasn't allowed to come back...
Is that the last time I will see Adam alive?
It very well could be.
I will try to visit him later this week but the chances are slim that they'll let me see him.
I was fine until I got home and was doing the dishes--which I believe is always a good place to cry because the water is already running and when you're done crying you just wash your face and be done with 2 things at once.
Well, it really hit me that my little Adam is going to die...I've known people who have died. I've volunteered in hospice care for years so I know how the death process works. I've been to funerals. I've even been to a funeral for a baby...but never have I had a relationship like this with someone about to die...
Adam is an orphan.
His brother died a few years ago and now he will die in the same way.
He lived his entire life in a hospital.
He never spoke a single word, rolled over, or even ate from a bottle...
I'm one of the few people who has ever even visited him.
He's such a sweet, innocent little baby that never was able to experience...well, life.
...
What a very interesting thing death is.
Our bodies fail. It's what they do. But for it to happen so early on is...indescribable.
I know that Adam will be without pain and discomfort once he dies.
He will be able to be with his older brother!
...
I visit with so many children throughout the day and a
lot of the time days blur together in a whirlwind of diapers, feeding, and playing.
It's when something like this happens that stops you in your tracks and makes everything in life a
little bit sweeter. You realize how grateful you are for the people in your life and the life that you have. What a very kind gift to give to someone right before you die...Gratitude.
I love this little boy SO much.
But there is nothing I can do to stop his death.
He will die.
And as heartbreaking and terrible and painful as that is I know that I did everything I could to make the time I had with him comfortable, kind, and filled with love.
That is where I have to leave it.
I can't think about anything else because there isn't anything else I, or anyone here, could have done to make this any different.
I don't even know what else to say except that this little boy's life has put things in perspective for me. What a very interesting thing that it happened right before Thanksgiving.
I don't get sad very often. Even now I'm not really sad.
Of course I am grieving for little Adam but I'm going to choose to celebrate
the sweetness
that he has given to me.
Death is but the next great adventure for little Adam
and I wish him the best of luck in that adventure!
:)
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